Bells Are A-Ringing

The first time I noticed anything was after I had my ears professionally cleaned. You know, when your trusted alternative medicine practicioner burns a cone over your earhole to, supposedly, suck out all the gunk. They reckon you hearing improves significantly after such a proceure. I, however, felt something had gone wrong because not only did my hearing not improve, but I actually felt a kind of buzzing that kept interferring with the quality of my hearing. A slight buzzing that underscored everyday life. Eventually though it kind of faded away.

Then there were those times at home alone, during my time off work. Whenever I was in the study working on the computer, I would hear a strange hissing sound coming from the neighbours Television set on the other side of the wall. I just tried to ignore it.

Finally, in the cramped bedroom Nick and I shared during our first months in Melbourne, I would stay awake at night because of a high-pitched piercing sound that permeated the room. I thought it was some kind of static, probably caused by the intercom or the PC speakers in the study next door. At times the whistling was so loud it phisicaly woke me out of my slumber in the middle of the night preventing me from falling back asleep.

Finally, I mentioned this to Nick and was surprised to learn that he had never heard this piercing sound, which was tormenting me at night. It was at that point, that the unconfortable suspicion, which I'd kept dismissing for weeks and weeks, revealed itself as a reality. This noise was indeed there, however it occurred only inside my head, as only my ears could capture it. Or more aptly put: it was my very ears that were generating this disturbance; I had infact developed a hearing disability.

I booked a check-up with a specialist and after a series of audiology test it was confirmed that, alhough my hearing had suffered no loss or deterioration, some kind of damage to my ears was definitley present and causing this distutbing sound.

Apparently it gets worse when I'm under a lot of stress, which would explain why the ringing in my ears has become a constant and exasperating soundtrack to my daily existence. I have grown increasingly intolerant of harsh and loud sounds.

Sometimes the Tinnitus keeps me awake at night. Sometimes it is intolerably loud. At such times I feel myself beign driven over the edge by this obnoxious noise in my head. It is said that Tinnitus may lead to depression and even suicide and I can understand those reasons. But the saddest thing for me, is that as I am confronted with the daily tensions and stresses of life, the silence that once was a welcome source of solace and equilibrium for me, has now become my worst enemy.

it is ironic that I, a lover of quietitude and silence, must seek the constant humm of city traffic to distract me from the torment of my inner noise.